Can be found at...
http://thejakartaexperience.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
HOW TO SURVIVE VIETNAM AS AN EXPAT
MY RULES OF SURVIVAL FOR VIETNAM
RULE 1 – “THE KHONG SAO RULE”
Let go of your expectations, your high standards, your frustrations. Before you get off the plane – release your imaginary pressure valve and let the air out a bit. Nothing goes according to plan in Vietnam – that’s half the fun. But it will all be ok in the end…. It always is. That’s why if you fall off your motobike and crack your head open or get robbed blind the Vietnamese will just smile and say “Khong Sao Maa-daaame”… or “no problem… it’ll be ok
RULE 2 – “THE 70% RULE”
Nothing is ever done 100% in Vietnam. It’s done 70%. It’s not a complete “FAIL” as per www.ladsf.com - it’s a pass, but only just. For example, if you look around any building you will see that the paint on the walls is probably one coat, maybe not one colour and most likely the light switch was just painted over (and therefore unable to be switched on OR off. But hey – they were asked to paint the wall… so they did. Similar to rule 1, it’s best to not expect perfection because it simply won’t happen. Instead, try to enjoy the many entertaining proof points of the 70% rule. For some examples check out (Vietnam facebook group)
RULE 3 – “THE KANSAS RULE”
Remember the famous line from Wizard of Oz? “Toto. We aren’t in Kansas anymore”…. Well Saigon ain’t Kansas. Vietnam is Vietnam. So many foreigners seem to come to Vietnam and then get upset that it is “not like home”. No shit. It’s VIETNAM! So if you are not going to embrace it, the good and the bad – go home to Kansas. Seriously, don’t come to Vietnam only cry and whinge about the pollution and noise and corruption. Except that this is all part of Vietnam and try to find the positive points. No one is forcing you to be there (unless you are in prison) so don’t torture yourself.
RULE 4 – “THE H8/<3 VIETNAM RATIO”
For those older than 13, this may need some explanation. In text/chat speak… H8 = Hate. It is the opposite of <3 which is Love. You will have day where you are going to HATE everything about Vietnam – the stinking smells, the urine puddles on the streets, the corruption - everywhere, the inability to do a simple task correctly and of course the language – which when you are having a bad day can sound like an alley of cats all having their tails pulled simultaneously. On a bad “I H8 VN” day, you will want to get on a plane and leave. There is no cure except to lock yourself inside your apartment and watch Starworld or Australia Network and simply pretend you aren’t there. I also found streaming my favourite Sydney radio station whilst in a hot bath helped too. Of course, you could always take the favoured cure by some expats – that is with some little friends call xanax or valium, bother of which are readily available over the counter of certain pharmacies and so cheap it’s hard to resist. In other words – Just hide in anyway you can.
But remember – there are “I heart Vietnam” days too. The key to this rule is getting the ratio right. On “I <3 VN” days you feel like the luckiest person on earth. The sun is most likely shining, the streets freshly washed after a tropical rain dump, you may be cruising the streets on you bike, feeling free and energised, the smell of pork on an open grill will tease you as you ride past, you are surrounded by beautiful, curious people, smiling warmly at you with fascination. You pull up to a cart on the road and by a fresh coconut juice for 20 cents and ride home to your luxury apartment (perfectly cleaned by your maid) and you think to yourself…. This is THE LIFE!
If you start to have my hate than love days – there is a problem. If you never have hate days – there is also a problem… in fact… you probably aren’t in Vietnam and have taken way to many of those ever so available over the counter Xanax. Try to find a good balance. Vent your frustrations and have a whinge now and then – but try to also celebrate the great things. Don’t surround yourself with people just complain the whole time about Vietnam. It will only make you feel depressed.
Aim for 30/30/30 - Allow yourself to be totally pissed of and over it 1/3 of the time you are in Vietnam and remind yourself to stop and appreciate all those days that are just so AMAZING. Then there is the rest. Days where you just feel like Vietnam is like every other place on earth. And remember – tomorrow is another day.
RULE 5 – THE ‘TIENG VIET’ RULE
This one is simple. Learn Vietnamese. Don’t listen to the bullshit that it’s “too hard” because it’s so tonal. As far as languages go – I am a complete dunce. I have never excelled at it. Even so, I bought the ‘Learn Vietnamese’ books and CD’s. I constantly annoyed my staff asking them how I say this or how I say that. But the best thing I did was invest in a private tutor. They are easy to find in any of the expat mags or English papers or if you prefer a group learning approach there a plenty of classes available. You are in Vietnam…. Make the effort to learn Vietnamese. It’s fun and the smile and giggle on the faces of your taxi driver when you are able to answer his questions will be the best reward. Of course – being able to actually direct him to where you want to go is pretty helpful too.
RULE 6 – THE ‘CHOCOLATE BOX’ RULE
Forrest Gump may have been inspired by his time in Vietnam when he so beautifully coined the expression “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”.
The thing about chocolates, is even when there is a guide on the back…. You still need to bite into the chocolate to see what’s inside. Sometimes you bite it and are sent to heaven… other times it is so disgusting you spit it straight out. But you keep trying them.
Do the same in Vietnam. TRY THINGS. Don’t discount it based on the wrapper. Don’t hang out only in the expat bars or tourist bars because you feel more comfortable there. Don’t only hang out with people from the same industry or country as you. Mix it up. Find variety.. in face SEEK variety. It’s so easy to settle into one group, but it takes effort to keep 3 or 4 totally separate groups of friends. Some might be NGO types, or older expats. Other’s might be from a country or culture far different to your’s… maybe even locals… or god forbid… footballers. My greatest experiences in Vietnam came from the wide group of people I was lucky enough to call my friends. Not just advertising and production people – but local owners of bars in Pham Ngu Lao, and African Footballers (and scam artists too). People from all over the world who taught me so much about myself and saw Vietnam completely differently to me. Which of course – made me appreciate it so much more.
Try new foods, new hobbies, new languages. Not JUST Vietnamese – but the whole melting pot that is available. Embrace all the opportunities you have to grow your comfort zone – because for every step you take outside of it.. you expand it that little bit more. I believe, in the game of life – that is how you score points. He who experiences it and grows also wins.
RULE 7 – THE “MENTION THE WARS” RULE
Take note – this is in complete opposition to the traditional rule. The first thing you should learn about Vietnam is the America War was just one of many. In fact, it wasn’t even the biggest. It is just the one that made their country famous…. To the rest of the world that is.
Vietnamese don’t give a shit about the American War. In fact, over 70% of the population weren’t even blood born. The war was 40 years ago. They won. That’s the end of that story. Sure they milk it for the tourists but it really has little effect on daily life in Vietnam.
Wars or battles on the other hand make up an important part of Vietnam’s rich history. From the amazing stories of the empires to the French, Japanese and the Yanks. Vietnamese have battled for independence and freedom for centuries. Now they have it and they are proud of that. But the American War was only one chapter. So if you are going to live or even visit Vietnam – READ THE WHOLE BOOK. Learn who Nguyen Du, Tran Hung Dao and Le Loi are (not just streets). Research the various dynasties. Study what really happened at Dien Bien Phu. Don’t just watch ‘platoon’ and then tip toe around it.
One great book is “Saigon” by Michael XXXX . It is factually correct, yet a fictious novel that will paint a good picture of the last century in Vietnam. Starting with the colonial days and finishing on the day we all know about….The so called “Fall” of Saigon. Ignorance is ugly.
RULE 8 – THE “FIRST IMPRESSIONS” RULE
Remember your first impression of Vietnam? How exciting everything was that first day? How the pungent smells and sound of the horns all made it that much more thrilling. How every site of a street cleaner with a conical hat made your heart skip a bit and make you want to take a photo. Remember how the site of Cyclo or sound of a sampan made you suddenly stop and you would just think to yourself (or maybe even say allowed)… “Wow. I live in VIETNAM! What am I doing? It’s so crazy”.
Never lose that.
Remind yourself just how crazy it is. How different it is and rich in culture and history. Living in Vietnam is MENTAL! But isn’t that the whole point? If you don’t want crazy, exotic, backwards, corrupt, spicy, pungent, bizarre – then don’t come to Vietnam. Go to Singapore or Sydney. There is nothing easy or ‘stable’ about a day in Vietnam. Every day is an adventure and a wild ride. Not always good, but always exciting. What a lucky person you are to be living in a place that makes you feel alive and challenged. If you are appreciating it. Go home.
I hope that helps and for at least someone out there makes their stay in Vietnam a little bit easier.
Farewell!
TOP TEN TIPS
TOP TEN “MUST DO” THINGS IN SAIGON (HO CHI MINH CITY)
1. Eat BBQ fish at the Ben Thanh Night markets.
2. Ride on the back of a motobike
3. Sip a sunset cocktail or cold beer at roof bar ‘Saigon Saigon’ (at the Caravelle) after an afternoon monsoon.
4. Slurp REAL Pho (not the Pho 24 kind).
5. Get a foot massage around Dong Khoi. Try “Golden Lotus” near Versace or “Professional Foot Massage” on Ton That Thiep street.
6. Drink a beer on the street after midnight in Pham Ngu Lao – try my beloved Eden Bar on De Tham (Ask for Binh) or if you are brave/stupid… try Go2 or Crazy Buffalo.
7. Dance at Apocalypse Now – both upstairs and downstairs – until your head spins and your feet ache.
8. Get some clothes tailored. They might be a disaster but it will make you appreciate the store bought clothes you own.
9. Go to Karaoke. Bring some Vietnamese friends if you can. Most Karaoke bars have both English and Vietnamese. Hire a private room and belt out some 80’s tunes. Sing like no one can hear you… they probably can – but they aren’t listening.
10. Switch on WIFI. Free wifi is available EVERYWHERE. Use it. Download/Email/Chat/Skype/Blog/Tweet. No where makes having internet access SO easy as Vietnam.
TOP TEN “MUST NOT DO” THINGS IN SAIGON
1. Ride in a Cyclo. It’s dangerous, uncomfortable and you look like a tool.
2. Stop whilst cross the street… or worse – start walking then stop then run. You’d be surprised how many people die that way. Walk slowly at an equal pace during a lull in the traffic. (a lull not a gap).
3. Wear a bum/fanny bag. It’s directly at street kid height and you also look like a tool.
4. Buy luxury goods. The tax makes them even more expensive than at home. Only Singapore and HK have favourable tax rates. Vietnam however has favourable looking copies of luxury goods sold at Ben Thanh Market.
5. Plan to walk around between 11 and 3. You will get one or two blocks and want melt into the pavement. It’s hot, It’s humid, It’s stinky and stinky. If you want to walk around then plan to do it after 6pm once the sun has set.
6. Bargain too hard. I mean seriously – does that 50c really make such a big deal to you? Because it’s probably enough to buy dinner or the lady selling you the ugly tourist t-shirt you are buying.
7. Expect Taxi drivers to undestand you. They won’t or if they do they will pretend they don’t. Always give the address written down. Especially hotels. SMS or typing it on your mobile screen will do too.
8. Buy a conical hat and expect to take it home with you. They are full of bugs and Australian Customs go crazy.
9. Order open drinks and leave them on the table at a club. In fact – try to avoid buying spirits or cocktails at most nightclubs. The spirits are most likely fake and you will feel like shit the next day. Stick to beer or coolers that you can see them open in front of you (and can keep in your hand).
10. PLEASE! DO NOT ASK THE 60 YEAR OLD LADY ON THE STREET TO PICK UP HER BASKETS ON A POLE AND THEN HOLD THEM UP ACROSS HER BACK - JUST SO YOU CAN TAKE A PHOTO. I have seen this SO many times and it kills me. She is trying to make a miniscule living and you are belittling her. Give her (and yourself) a bit of respect.
TAM BIET SAIGON
The time to say "Tam Biet" or goodbye has come. It's been a mostly fun journey and I learnt a lot of the 2.5+ years I was in Vietnam. Professionally it has been fantastic. I did some of the best work of my career and was given the best platform for future success.
Personally it was dramatic with far too many tears and a heart broken repeatedly by the same kind of guys. As I leave Vietnam, this is still not resolved. With the latest 'player' still promising to be different and follow me to my next adventure. First he must finish what he needs to finish and then we will see what happens.
Next stop is Jakarta and I will be moving my blog over to tumblr. I will update with a link once I am settled. Before I say goodbye I have two things to leave behind.
My top ten things to do in Saigon. This is my "must see" list and may be a little unconventional but will hopefully help anyone visiting Saigon to make sure the get the most rich experience.
My other parting gift is 8 rules for surviving Vietnam as an Expat. I get a lot of requests on this blog by people who ask me for some advice on how to settle in to Saigon this is my summary. Some expats may not agree and by nature of this blog it may seem OTT... but it's my opinion and I stand by it.
Stay tuned...
Monday, November 15, 2010
DON'T BE A STRANGER
As I wrap up my final week at Phibious and start to pack up my things in Vietnam here is a little taste of the last 2.5 years.
The Expat Experience is not over yet.
A new season starts in 2011. New location. New career. New adventures.
Stay Tuned (and see the other video on the same channel for another summary)
The Expat Experience is not over yet.
A new season starts in 2011. New location. New career. New adventures.
Stay Tuned (and see the other video on the same channel for another summary)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
OVER AND OUT
This post won't go live until a while after I'm writing it but it's important it is written to complete the story.
My expat blog was always meant to be about my time in Vietnam. From wo to go. Well.... we are almost at go. It's been 2.5 years, and there were times when I loved it and times I hated it. Then there was a point a couple of weeks ago where I realised I was over it.
I was over my job and the bullshit politics that had taken over.
I was over the drama's with boy - particularly footballers - who were full of shit and lied and cheat and broke my heart. The final one was the last straw, after 9 months of investing so much, it ended worse than any of the others. Perhaps that was to be exected, what goes up must come down.
I was also over just the basic struggles of living in Vietnam. The stench of urine in the street because no matter how 'rapidly developing' the nation positions itself, apparently the Vietnamese are unable to train themselves to use toilets. The constant rip off scams, from taxi's to wanting to buy a simple item and having to bargain it down. The lack of common sense and overall insanity of the entire country.
Sure there were great times and good things about living here - but there were days where I just thought to myself "why am I doing this? I can go home anytime and live in nice clean urine free streets and shop at a supermarket where I can buy FRESH food and god forbid, live in a society which for all it's faults is fair and just".
So I decided to go home. Only... it wasn't quite that easy. Asia it seems is not yet finished with me. The next few weeks will determine my fate. I have another blog now that is counting down 100 days until 2011. After that I will update here with all the news.
Over and out (for now).
My expat blog was always meant to be about my time in Vietnam. From wo to go. Well.... we are almost at go. It's been 2.5 years, and there were times when I loved it and times I hated it. Then there was a point a couple of weeks ago where I realised I was over it.
I was over my job and the bullshit politics that had taken over.
I was over the drama's with boy - particularly footballers - who were full of shit and lied and cheat and broke my heart. The final one was the last straw, after 9 months of investing so much, it ended worse than any of the others. Perhaps that was to be exected, what goes up must come down.
I was also over just the basic struggles of living in Vietnam. The stench of urine in the street because no matter how 'rapidly developing' the nation positions itself, apparently the Vietnamese are unable to train themselves to use toilets. The constant rip off scams, from taxi's to wanting to buy a simple item and having to bargain it down. The lack of common sense and overall insanity of the entire country.
Sure there were great times and good things about living here - but there were days where I just thought to myself "why am I doing this? I can go home anytime and live in nice clean urine free streets and shop at a supermarket where I can buy FRESH food and god forbid, live in a society which for all it's faults is fair and just".
So I decided to go home. Only... it wasn't quite that easy. Asia it seems is not yet finished with me. The next few weeks will determine my fate. I have another blog now that is counting down 100 days until 2011. After that I will update here with all the news.
Over and out (for now).
Sunday, September 19, 2010
THE MIRROR OF TRUTH
Wow. Today is certainly interesting and it is not even 2pm.
So since Tshamala left for Congo a lot has happened. Although he rang me on landing, I realised pretty quickly over the next few days that he had no intention of fulfilling his promise and talking to his family about separating from his wife. Tshamala is a talented footballer, amazing snooker player... but he is a crap liar.
The best example, and a story that will entertain many a dinner party for years to come, was one night when he left my apartment declaring he was heading back to his football club. When I called 30 minutes later to tell him he forgot something I could hear he was certainly not in a taxi. He kept insisting he was, yelling on me for 'checking up on him'. Finally i was silent and just listened to try and figure out where he was. He asked "what you are you listening for?", I replied.."the sound of lies". On cue... a dog barked. I simply said "is there a dog in the taxi with you?". sigh. Of course he admitted all... after all... he knew he was screwed.
So after a few days of him calling and carrying on with the usual empty promises and excuses I decided that not only did I deserve better - but so did his wife. He had asked me to transfer some money to her but of course, did not tell her it was coming from his girlfriend. So I called her - and I told her. He tried to talk his way out of it, but thanks to his blog and my facebook page he was once again.... screwed.
You would think that would be enough to stop him right? I wish. He has continued to call, continued to beg and plead for understanding and more time. The 'I love you so much. I can't give you up' is on constant repeat like a scratched CD. The only problem is... I can't give you up does not mean "I only want to be with you", it just means "I need to find a way to be with you AND my wife". Of course, I made that a bit harder for him by calling her. No regrets there - if I hadn't it would have just continued and she would have been oblivious. Of course, she has no choice but to forgive him and mend her marriage. I do.
Still - with all the calls and pleading - it's not easy to walk away. Today was particularly hard after he called me all night using every trick in the book to convince me to give him more time. His wife is currently on a flight to Congo, so this was his last chance to win me back before she arrived and he would be 'restricted' again. He even had the balls to tell me he would continue to call me 'when he could escape her'. Disgusting.
Then I came back upstairs only to find a random facebook message that was like someone holding a mirror up to me. It was the most bizarre timing. Any doubts I was having, any questions I had were suddenly being forced in my face. It's so easy to give advice to someone else but when it's you and your heart involved it is so hard. I am sure any of you that have been reading this blog and even following this story on facebook will have thought 'o god girl. Just walk away.' but it is never that simple. Then I got this message:
Hey love,
You dont know me, and i dont know you but i came across your blogs online just before on blogspot. i was in Vietnam in July this year and have booked another trip there again for end of Novemeber so i was doing some research into some other things i can do while im in Saigon and came across your blogs..
WOW!!.. i read them all in one sitting.. and because im a Aussie myself i found it so interesting that you movied to Vietnam..
i know its probably so weird for you right now that im some random stranger sending you a facebook msg but after reading your blogs i feel like i know you so well.. i also met a soccer player in Saigon... spent a few amazing days with him to then found out he has a gf and 2 kids.. i was shattered!! Confronted him and he admitted to it all... this was all still while i was there.. he said he didnt want to tell me everything b.c he was scared i would no longer be interested.. i was very upset i had to find out from another soccer player that i became friends with!!
soo.. He kept calling me for the next 2 months when i came back home to Melbourne and calling me 'his baby' and that he wants to have a kid with me and all this other junk.. im so confused! i feel terrible that he has a gf and family but im soo rediculously in love with him its not funny! i dont want to be the 'other' lady.. but i cant help but still keep calling him and thinking of him all the time.. he tells me he misses me and when he was still in Vietnam we used to skype and facebook EVERYDAY!!
He has gone back home now for a few months.. he did call me as soon as he got there and kept calling me the first few weeks.. these last few weeks he isnt calling as much anymore and replies when i sms him but isnt making as much as an effort as he used to.. he rekons his really busyand the time difference is very hard!
ive booked flights to Saigon again for end of Novemeber/ start of Deecember just to see him again.. i dont know what to do.. my heads telling me to let it go but my heart wants to see him again.. Its so weird explaining all this to a complete stranger but after reading ur blogs i didnt think anyone would understand me better than you..
Do you think he really means it when he tells me he 'loves me'.. or am i just something to keep him busy when he is in Vietnam and away from his family back home..
hope to hear from you... hope i havent freaked you out too much
xoxo
E
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course my advice to her was RUN! It only took me less than a minute to figure out who she was talking about. A man I know better than most and a man very close to my own fucked up situation. I felt so sorry for her I wanted to cry. Instead I was angry. Because I realised she might as well be me. She knows he is full of shit, but that small part of her that believes him overtakes her common sense and she WANTS to believe in him. She will get hurt, she will look back and think 'I was so stupid' and this player and his gf will live happily ever after.
So I hope for her sake she walks away and I am grateful to her for bringing a mirror of truth to me and holding it up to my face. Now I can see past the dreams and fantasy and get back to reality. Now I can take the advice I gave her and walk away. Thank you E.
So since Tshamala left for Congo a lot has happened. Although he rang me on landing, I realised pretty quickly over the next few days that he had no intention of fulfilling his promise and talking to his family about separating from his wife. Tshamala is a talented footballer, amazing snooker player... but he is a crap liar.
The best example, and a story that will entertain many a dinner party for years to come, was one night when he left my apartment declaring he was heading back to his football club. When I called 30 minutes later to tell him he forgot something I could hear he was certainly not in a taxi. He kept insisting he was, yelling on me for 'checking up on him'. Finally i was silent and just listened to try and figure out where he was. He asked "what you are you listening for?", I replied.."the sound of lies". On cue... a dog barked. I simply said "is there a dog in the taxi with you?". sigh. Of course he admitted all... after all... he knew he was screwed.
So after a few days of him calling and carrying on with the usual empty promises and excuses I decided that not only did I deserve better - but so did his wife. He had asked me to transfer some money to her but of course, did not tell her it was coming from his girlfriend. So I called her - and I told her. He tried to talk his way out of it, but thanks to his blog and my facebook page he was once again.... screwed.
You would think that would be enough to stop him right? I wish. He has continued to call, continued to beg and plead for understanding and more time. The 'I love you so much. I can't give you up' is on constant repeat like a scratched CD. The only problem is... I can't give you up does not mean "I only want to be with you", it just means "I need to find a way to be with you AND my wife". Of course, I made that a bit harder for him by calling her. No regrets there - if I hadn't it would have just continued and she would have been oblivious. Of course, she has no choice but to forgive him and mend her marriage. I do.
Still - with all the calls and pleading - it's not easy to walk away. Today was particularly hard after he called me all night using every trick in the book to convince me to give him more time. His wife is currently on a flight to Congo, so this was his last chance to win me back before she arrived and he would be 'restricted' again. He even had the balls to tell me he would continue to call me 'when he could escape her'. Disgusting.
Then I came back upstairs only to find a random facebook message that was like someone holding a mirror up to me. It was the most bizarre timing. Any doubts I was having, any questions I had were suddenly being forced in my face. It's so easy to give advice to someone else but when it's you and your heart involved it is so hard. I am sure any of you that have been reading this blog and even following this story on facebook will have thought 'o god girl. Just walk away.' but it is never that simple. Then I got this message:
Hey love,
You dont know me, and i dont know you but i came across your blogs online just before on blogspot. i was in Vietnam in July this year and have booked another trip there again for end of Novemeber so i was doing some research into some other things i can do while im in Saigon and came across your blogs..
WOW!!.. i read them all in one sitting.. and because im a Aussie myself i found it so interesting that you movied to Vietnam..
i know its probably so weird for you right now that im some random stranger sending you a facebook msg but after reading your blogs i feel like i know you so well.. i also met a soccer player in Saigon... spent a few amazing days with him to then found out he has a gf and 2 kids.. i was shattered!! Confronted him and he admitted to it all... this was all still while i was there.. he said he didnt want to tell me everything b.c he was scared i would no longer be interested.. i was very upset i had to find out from another soccer player that i became friends with!!
soo.. He kept calling me for the next 2 months when i came back home to Melbourne and calling me 'his baby' and that he wants to have a kid with me and all this other junk.. im so confused! i feel terrible that he has a gf and family but im soo rediculously in love with him its not funny! i dont want to be the 'other' lady.. but i cant help but still keep calling him and thinking of him all the time.. he tells me he misses me and when he was still in Vietnam we used to skype and facebook EVERYDAY!!
He has gone back home now for a few months.. he did call me as soon as he got there and kept calling me the first few weeks.. these last few weeks he isnt calling as much anymore and replies when i sms him but isnt making as much as an effort as he used to.. he rekons his really busyand the time difference is very hard!
ive booked flights to Saigon again for end of Novemeber/ start of Deecember just to see him again.. i dont know what to do.. my heads telling me to let it go but my heart wants to see him again.. Its so weird explaining all this to a complete stranger but after reading ur blogs i didnt think anyone would understand me better than you..
Do you think he really means it when he tells me he 'loves me'.. or am i just something to keep him busy when he is in Vietnam and away from his family back home..
hope to hear from you... hope i havent freaked you out too much
xoxo
E
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course my advice to her was RUN! It only took me less than a minute to figure out who she was talking about. A man I know better than most and a man very close to my own fucked up situation. I felt so sorry for her I wanted to cry. Instead I was angry. Because I realised she might as well be me. She knows he is full of shit, but that small part of her that believes him overtakes her common sense and she WANTS to believe in him. She will get hurt, she will look back and think 'I was so stupid' and this player and his gf will live happily ever after.
So I hope for her sake she walks away and I am grateful to her for bringing a mirror of truth to me and holding it up to my face. Now I can see past the dreams and fantasy and get back to reality. Now I can take the advice I gave her and walk away. Thank you E.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wisdom via African Proverbs
After a few 'straight for the heart' blog posts I thought a nice quick one might mix things up. For those who follow me on twitter you will know I have a great love of african proverbs. Yes, this blog is about my life in Vietnam - but these proverbs have helped me stay sane. And let's be honest, 4 x African boyfriends later, it's not surprising I found some inspiration from their culture whilst dealing with Vietnamese culture on a daily basis.
Here are a few of my favourites:
A single bracelet does not jingle. ~Congolese Proverb
Wood may remain ten years in the water, but it will never become a crocodile. ~Congolese Proverb
You cannot dance well on only one leg. ~Mozambican Proverb
A person once bitten by a snake will be scared by an old rope. ~Nigerian Proverb
To love someone who does not love you, is like shaking a tree to make the dew drops fall. ~Congolese Proverb
and my all time favourite although I still have no idea what it means...
If a toad jumps around in the daytime, it is either chasing something or something is chasing it. - Nigerian Proverb.
Find more at http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/African_proverbs or follow http://twitter.com/africanproverbs.
I hope it leads to greater clarity and wisdom then African men have so far given me.
Here are a few of my favourites:
A single bracelet does not jingle. ~Congolese Proverb
Wood may remain ten years in the water, but it will never become a crocodile. ~Congolese Proverb
You cannot dance well on only one leg. ~Mozambican Proverb
A person once bitten by a snake will be scared by an old rope. ~Nigerian Proverb
To love someone who does not love you, is like shaking a tree to make the dew drops fall. ~Congolese Proverb
and my all time favourite although I still have no idea what it means...
If a toad jumps around in the daytime, it is either chasing something or something is chasing it. - Nigerian Proverb.
Find more at http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/African_proverbs or follow http://twitter.com/africanproverbs.
I hope it leads to greater clarity and wisdom then African men have so far given me.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be.
This song comes into my head often lately. As I stand at a crossroads waiting for a directional arrow and truly not knowing which path to take.
When I moved to Vietnam almost 2.5 years ago, I had no plan in mind. How long I would stay or what would happen. I just came and let the wind take me. I still have no plan but the wind is getting a bit chilly lately.
Following on from my last post, I am still waiting to see what will happen with mr Wonderful. We had an amazing final holiday in Mui Ne to say goodbye to each other and it was a lovely reminder about why I love Vietnam so much.
Gorgeous weather, great people and just fun (most of the time). Vietnam can be the most random, contradiction of a country. There are days I love it so much I want to sing all day, and other days where I just want to scream and get on a plane home. If you plan a 'quiet' weekend you end up clubbing until 5am and if you are up for a big night you find yourself at home on the sofa by the witching hour.
The weekend in Mui New was all of that and more. Here are some pics to prove my point:
But alas, we can talk forever but it won't change the situation. For now he has returned to Congo and Sth Africa. I am playing the waiting game and trying to work out plan B for myself.
The big decision for me right now, regardless of what happens with mr Wonderful, is do I or don't I stay in Vietnam? I do love it but I am also a bit over it. I love the company I work for but as with my personal life, I'm not sure they love me back. I am ready to go home, but I also want to stay. So, rather than make a decision, I am just sitting and waiting. What will happen with my love? What will happen at work? Who will show commitment? Who won't?
From there I will know my fate. Either way I know it will be great. I have a wonderful family, great friends. A job that I love and I'd be happy to stay... or go.
So... Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. Que Sera Sera.
This song comes into my head often lately. As I stand at a crossroads waiting for a directional arrow and truly not knowing which path to take.
When I moved to Vietnam almost 2.5 years ago, I had no plan in mind. How long I would stay or what would happen. I just came and let the wind take me. I still have no plan but the wind is getting a bit chilly lately.
Following on from my last post, I am still waiting to see what will happen with mr Wonderful. We had an amazing final holiday in Mui Ne to say goodbye to each other and it was a lovely reminder about why I love Vietnam so much.
Gorgeous weather, great people and just fun (most of the time). Vietnam can be the most random, contradiction of a country. There are days I love it so much I want to sing all day, and other days where I just want to scream and get on a plane home. If you plan a 'quiet' weekend you end up clubbing until 5am and if you are up for a big night you find yourself at home on the sofa by the witching hour.
The weekend in Mui New was all of that and more. Here are some pics to prove my point:
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Drunken Shananigans the night before we left. As always in Saigon, totally unplanned and random Wednesday night that ended up for some at 5am. |
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| The man and his Heineken. Always together. (and his phone). So much for alone time. |
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| Together for now... but already feeling sad. |
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| The Love Shack. |
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| The View. Amazing. Although the half naked russians on the beach were a bit distracting. |
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| The white sand beaches of Mui Ne. So relaxing and beautiful. |
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| Table for Two please. WIth a view. The food was mainly Vietnamese but we were happy. |
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| My favourite bell boy ever. Love a man that treats me like a lady. |
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| And off we go back to Saigon. Sad but calm. In love but breaking apart. |
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| For anyone going to Mui Ne I highly recommend getting a driver & car. We were able to relax for the long trip back... and talk... and talk. |
The big decision for me right now, regardless of what happens with mr Wonderful, is do I or don't I stay in Vietnam? I do love it but I am also a bit over it. I love the company I work for but as with my personal life, I'm not sure they love me back. I am ready to go home, but I also want to stay. So, rather than make a decision, I am just sitting and waiting. What will happen with my love? What will happen at work? Who will show commitment? Who won't?
From there I will know my fate. Either way I know it will be great. I have a wonderful family, great friends. A job that I love and I'd be happy to stay... or go.
So... Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. Que Sera Sera.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Season Highlights
A strange blog update today. In honor of the last day of the 2010 V-League Season. It's no co-incidence I decide to update today, it just feels appropriate considering most of the last 6 or 7 months has revolved around football in every aspect of my life.
Before arriving in Vietnam, my association with football... soccer that is.. was...well... zero. Being an Aussie girl I was brought up on Rugby. I worked at league clubs whilst studying and my brother and Dad are both Rugby boys (League & Union). Mum, being from Victoria, was only interested in AFL, and even then only in the 'short shorts and lean legs'.
Anyone who has followed this blog from my arrival will know I met my first footballer within weeks. He later moved to Hong Kong to play there, we got engaged and he cheated. In the numb time that followed that the dissolution of my engagement, I found myself swept up in a new relationship with another Nigerian footballer, his friend/enemy who spun me into a whirlwind of what I thought was true love. Within months he has spun himself out of my arms and back into those of his previous Vietnamese bar girl/girlfriend. It was then that two things happened. Firstly, I actually had to face what had happened and deal with my broken heart (now broken twice) and secondly, as I had attended a few of his 1st Division games here in Vietnam... I actually stopped taking books to football games and started to pay attention.
Months went by, tears were shed, weight was gained. My job seemed to only get better, my heart only hurt more. I'd had crap relationships in the past, in fact, I am a serial loser boyfriend kind of girl. From hit men to pilots, prisoners to porn kings....I've dated them all. Since arriving in Saigon however... it's just been footballers.... of the African variety.
So after two gorgeous footballers, both Nigerians, breaking my heart... you would think the last person I would fall for is... another Nigerian Footballer.. right? Wrong. O sure, I resisted. I swore I'd never date another one, I knew it would look crazy... but he was sweet, and gorgeous and he seemed like a simple guy with solid morals and I liked that.
Wrong again.
This one started at the end of the 2009 Season. He played in the north of Vietnam but signed a contract with a big team just outside of Saigon. The one guy I trusted (yes, another Nigerian Footballer... but cut of a far different cloth and for now still not exposed on this blog) vouched for him and told me to go for it so I did. The 'high moral code' was endearing at first, but suffocating soon after. God fearing is one thing, and as a church going Catholic I like to think I have some understanding of what being Christian is... but this guy made me feel... and told me often... that I was a terrible person and must become 'a better woman'. From my weight, to my friends and family, to the way I worshipped. He would often spend entire nights 'at his hotel in deep prayer' and arrive in the early hours to tell me about it. Needless to say I started to lose my sense of worth and it was only when on the eve of 2010, when I found out he had a less than 'moral' Vietnamese girlfriend that I came to my senses. Apparently his long nights 'in prayer' were actually 'in her'.
So that brings us to the year of the Tiger, well... a bit before actually. My major client was investing massively in a World Cup campaign as they are an official partner of FIFA. Of course, my 'knowledge' of football came in quite handy and I even managed to sign on two handsome and successful top grade footballers to be the faces of our campaign. A South African dreamboat who also just happened to play in the same team as mr Moral high ground and a gorgeous local national player who played for another team, also just outside of Saigon, on the other side of town. I wish I could say 'the rest is History'.. and it is... but not quite yet. I'll let some pictures tell the rest of the story as always:
I couldn't resist starting with this one. My all time favourite photo from the season. Boyfriend number 3, getting a red card and told to get off the pitch. I did the same when I found out about his little local friend. Only in my league, he was not only suspended but cancelled.
My new wheels. Most girls get their hair cut or eat chocolate, I decided the best way to move on was to buy some fast wheels. Nothing makes me feel as good as flying through the streets of Saigon on this baby. It's been pimped since this photo and is smokin hot.
World cup started early for us in Vietnam. The trophy arrived on it's world tour stop in January. I had spent the best part of Christmas and the New Year finalising getting these two hot guys to front our campaign and then making sure they made it worth it. Dealing with the handsome South African was difficult at first as I was still in shock that his team mate had been Jekyll and Hyde. However, as one door closes, another opens. As I painfully dealt with the club of my recent ex, I also dealt with the other club, and ran into an old friend in the process. A guy I met through my first footballer, in my first weeks in Vietnam. A guy I always referred to as 'my fantasy' only because he was so ridiculously good looking, with a smile to die for and possible the nicest guy you could ever meet. He also just happened to be one of the best footballers in Vietnam, everyone seemed to know and adore him... and he spoke French as he was from Congo. PHWA
Tshamala. Yep, he even had a name that sounded like a sweet dessert. My fantasy boy. When I first ran into him again via my work I was surprised at how he still managed to render me speechless. Not an easy feat and I found myself unable to speak and just staring at him. I invited him (and other footballers) to come and see the World Cup trophy and K'Naan sing 'Wavin the flag'. At the time I was thinking more about the PR we could get from having top footballers at our event, but secretly I also just wanted to see him. It didn't take long before I could see the feeling was mutual and then I was really in a pickle. Could I really handle a 4th footballer? What about my work association with his club? Not to mention if my ex-fiance found out I was in love with yet another one of his friends... but... it was Tshaaaaamala.
I decided if I was going to be stupid enough to do this, I might as well dive in the deep end. So I found myself not only going to football games again, but supporting Manchester United to please him, and although everyone who knew me thought I was crazy, I only knew I was crazy in love.
He seemed to be suffering the same symptoms. For the first time in a long time, I could see that this guy was truly in love with me. Throw away the 'he's just not that into you' books, this guy was not only my ultimate fantasy, he was clearly, very very into me. It was all too good to be true... and it unfortunatey was. O sure, we may have been madly in love, and if this was a movie we would have eloped to Vegas and got married by elvis. But that was never going to happen. It wasn't going to happen because... he was already married. An issue that, once out in the open, resulted in me constantly fighting with my Catholic beliefs and at the same time trying to be realistic about the situation. I mean, this happens all the time right? And he'd lived in Vietnam for 5 years, only going home once a year for a few weeks. My heart and my head were at war... and so far neither have won and peace is yet to be declared.
So this is how I found myself in the role of a WAG once again, but this time at the top level, and as an illegitimate version. I met the other wives and girlfriends. Mostly beautiful foreigners. They had serious relationships with their professional football men. They had children or had travelled across the world to be with them. I was neither... and I was the girlfriend... but not the wife. I attended the games, I sat with the other girls, I liked them, I hoped they liked me... but we all knew the situation for what it was. I no longer attended church and started to question my own moral beliefs and values
Life went on, I didn't think too hard about it. The football campaign was going well, we had a brand new office at work and we celebrated with a big party. Tsha was invited and loved by all as he always is. He fitted in well, he made me proud and I let myself forget about the issue of his wife as we just had such a great time and fell more in love and I could see him starting to talk more and more about our future together.
Of course, there were still days where she would ring, and as I quietly left the room so he could talk to her and his kids (o yeah.. 3 of them)... I would again wonder what the hell I was doing and finally I dgave him the ultimatum. Agree to divorce or set me free. Of course I didn't expect it to happen any time soon.. I just needed to know it would.. one day.
In April, I went home to Australia. My father was very sick and my brother had a new 6 week old daughter I had never met. I spent 2 and a half weeks driving my mother to hospital in a city one hour from our town, cooking dinner and just trying to give whatever family support I could. My Dad recovered pleasingly fast, my brother brought his beautiful and cheeky kids for the weekend and I remember just how much I love my family and how different life can be.
You see, other than myself, my immediate family don't really have 'drama'. They are all married, stable and have been with the same partner most of their life. Everything happened in the right order, no one had illegitimate children or sordid affairs. I'm the 'entertainment' as my Mum so unkindly put it one day. I am the one living in Vietnam, working in Advertising... and dating a married footballer.
I had told Tshamala he must make his decision by the time I returned from Australia as I knew I would feel stronger after being home and more able to handle it if the news was bad.
I returned from Australia, happy to see my man, happy to throw myself back into work/football but missing my family and my animals. Tshamala asked for more time to make his decision but then caught me by surprise one day by tell me he had decided to stay with me, but just was not yet sure how to leave his wife as he had not seen her in two years, and there were children involved... and it was Africa.
He also got me a cat. A kitten we called Frank as he played a friendly match against a team from Frankfurt the night before we picked him up. A cheeky, vocal, little devil of a thing.
At first they were both terrified of each other. Should they happen to fall asleep near each other, as this photos shows, when they work up they both leaped 10 feet in the air. Within weeks however they were best buddies and bonded over their mutual love of kicking small balls all around the house. Just what I needed in my life, a footballer cat.
Before I knew it, World Cup had arrived. I was fortunate enough to be sent to experience it for myself in South Africa as part of my work. The handsome South African brand ambassador required my 'supervision' as did the the TV crew we hauled with us. I'm going to be honest and say it wasn't an experience I would ever want to repeat in my life, but there were some highlights.
I got to go to cheer on two games and hear the deep hum of Vuvuzela's for myself. I also got to see the shy South African footballer who I had practically begged to be part of our campaign, become a professional media darling. He made me so proud and I will be enternally grateful. Thank you Philani. You are amazing.
I got to meet and interview Bebeto. That was pretty cool. ESPN, CNN and me on behalf of Vietnam. I also got a special little Autograph for Tshamala. He loved it.
I also got to meet Tsha's twin brother. Aghhh yes. You see, just when you think this can't possibly get more complicated, it does. You see, Tshamala use to play in South Africa. In fact, he played in the same team as Philani. So his 'home' in Africa is not Congo, but Johannesburg.
It is in Jo'burg that his wife and family live, and also his twin brother who is lumped with the responsibility of taking care of them whilst his brother lives an entirely different life in South East Asia... with me and Frank the cat. And as much as I loved my mr Wonderful, I loved his twin like he was my own brother. I just wanted to pack him in my suitcase and bring him back to Vietnam and dreamed that we would all live happily ever after.
But my life is no fairytale.
Back in Vietnam, I returned from South Africa what I can only describe as traumatised. The trip has been exhausting, disorganised, stressful and FUCKING COLD.
I moved to Vietnam because I hate the cold weather, so on top of everything, climbing into bed every night in jeans, tights, 3 jumpers and gloves only made me more distraught. It's been two months since I returned and I still don't think I have fully recovered.
I was however... very happy to come back to my man. Unfortunately, he was now hesitating about what the future held as he suspected his wife had found out I had been hanging out with his twin during World Cup. His deep fear of losing his children started to become a reality and he became torn.
Life continued. Home games. Away games. Watching games on TV with the other girlfriends. My life seemed to only move from one Sunday to the next as it was only when I saw Tshamala that I didn't feel like an insane women stuck on a rollercoaster I was no longer enjoying. Emotions ran high, drama ensured, it was no longer the 'fantasy' but a reality I could hardly bare to live through. Most days I wanted to run and hide, and at least once a week I ended it with him and convinced myself I could walk away. Within 24 hours we were always back again. I had been through enough shit relationships to know the difference between infatuation and love... and for the first time, I believed someone loved me as much as I loved them - if not more.
I would see a picture of him, like the one above, and my heart would ache. So graceful, so powerful and yet so kind and sweet. Unfortunately this picture was attached to an article where he was quoted as saying he loved his family more than anything and it was this loyalty that kept him from 'promiscuity' in his life. I felt like I had been stabbed in my heart. I get the 'media relations' thing, I know it was his club that set it up.. I mean I work in Advertising after all. It's why I've been so hesitant to update this blog. It's why I've waited. But now the season is over.
This blog is meant to be my story. My story of my life in Vietnam. Although it was common knowledge we were together and we never tried to hide it... putting it out there in a public blog is a different matter... and then there was of course the issue of his wife.
So why now? Why on the last day of the Season have I gone 'public' and decided to do the whole story? Well... to be honest, now I am at a point where it can't possibly get worse. The club no about me, after all, I attended every home game for the entire season. He would walk off the field and embrace and kiss me. We would leave together. Yes tonight, I am not at the end of season official party with all the other WAG's because, well, because I am not official. They know he is married. It wouldn't be 'right'.
The press know about me, I was with half of them in South Africa, and as I said... we never tried to hide our love.
On top of that - she knows.
Yup. We still don't know how, but she not only knows about me, she calls me.
Naturally the conversations are one way and usually involve her hurling insults at me and attacking me on everything she can think of, from my skin colour to my age to my looks. His family seem to be under the impression I am some kind of football harlet who targeted him and is set on destroying his family, in reality I had agreed months ago that he may have at least another year to decide what to do to ensure he was making the right decision for his family (and for me).
It's been a tough season, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost the one thing that always kept me grounded (church) and I am still not even sure when this ride will stop. For now, he is in damage control with his family, but still unable to walk away from what we have. I'm just a lost soul who hangs on to whatever threads of belief I still have that we can make this all worth it. Every day I still have with him is treasured.
Vietnam has lost all it's appeal and where the craziness and wild pace once excited and inspired me, it now just irritates and frustrates me. I just want to get off the ride now, I just want to feel like myself again but I'm not sure I even not who that is anymore. I know need to go find out again, with or without my true love.
But most of all... I just need to THANK GOD the bloody football season is over.
Here is little something that I'll always remember this 'season' for...
Before arriving in Vietnam, my association with football... soccer that is.. was...well... zero. Being an Aussie girl I was brought up on Rugby. I worked at league clubs whilst studying and my brother and Dad are both Rugby boys (League & Union). Mum, being from Victoria, was only interested in AFL, and even then only in the 'short shorts and lean legs'.
Anyone who has followed this blog from my arrival will know I met my first footballer within weeks. He later moved to Hong Kong to play there, we got engaged and he cheated. In the numb time that followed that the dissolution of my engagement, I found myself swept up in a new relationship with another Nigerian footballer, his friend/enemy who spun me into a whirlwind of what I thought was true love. Within months he has spun himself out of my arms and back into those of his previous Vietnamese bar girl/girlfriend. It was then that two things happened. Firstly, I actually had to face what had happened and deal with my broken heart (now broken twice) and secondly, as I had attended a few of his 1st Division games here in Vietnam... I actually stopped taking books to football games and started to pay attention.
Months went by, tears were shed, weight was gained. My job seemed to only get better, my heart only hurt more. I'd had crap relationships in the past, in fact, I am a serial loser boyfriend kind of girl. From hit men to pilots, prisoners to porn kings....I've dated them all. Since arriving in Saigon however... it's just been footballers.... of the African variety.
So after two gorgeous footballers, both Nigerians, breaking my heart... you would think the last person I would fall for is... another Nigerian Footballer.. right? Wrong. O sure, I resisted. I swore I'd never date another one, I knew it would look crazy... but he was sweet, and gorgeous and he seemed like a simple guy with solid morals and I liked that.
Wrong again.
This one started at the end of the 2009 Season. He played in the north of Vietnam but signed a contract with a big team just outside of Saigon. The one guy I trusted (yes, another Nigerian Footballer... but cut of a far different cloth and for now still not exposed on this blog) vouched for him and told me to go for it so I did. The 'high moral code' was endearing at first, but suffocating soon after. God fearing is one thing, and as a church going Catholic I like to think I have some understanding of what being Christian is... but this guy made me feel... and told me often... that I was a terrible person and must become 'a better woman'. From my weight, to my friends and family, to the way I worshipped. He would often spend entire nights 'at his hotel in deep prayer' and arrive in the early hours to tell me about it. Needless to say I started to lose my sense of worth and it was only when on the eve of 2010, when I found out he had a less than 'moral' Vietnamese girlfriend that I came to my senses. Apparently his long nights 'in prayer' were actually 'in her'.
So that brings us to the year of the Tiger, well... a bit before actually. My major client was investing massively in a World Cup campaign as they are an official partner of FIFA. Of course, my 'knowledge' of football came in quite handy and I even managed to sign on two handsome and successful top grade footballers to be the faces of our campaign. A South African dreamboat who also just happened to play in the same team as mr Moral high ground and a gorgeous local national player who played for another team, also just outside of Saigon, on the other side of town. I wish I could say 'the rest is History'.. and it is... but not quite yet. I'll let some pictures tell the rest of the story as always:
I couldn't resist starting with this one. My all time favourite photo from the season. Boyfriend number 3, getting a red card and told to get off the pitch. I did the same when I found out about his little local friend. Only in my league, he was not only suspended but cancelled.
My new wheels. Most girls get their hair cut or eat chocolate, I decided the best way to move on was to buy some fast wheels. Nothing makes me feel as good as flying through the streets of Saigon on this baby. It's been pimped since this photo and is smokin hot.
World cup started early for us in Vietnam. The trophy arrived on it's world tour stop in January. I had spent the best part of Christmas and the New Year finalising getting these two hot guys to front our campaign and then making sure they made it worth it. Dealing with the handsome South African was difficult at first as I was still in shock that his team mate had been Jekyll and Hyde. However, as one door closes, another opens. As I painfully dealt with the club of my recent ex, I also dealt with the other club, and ran into an old friend in the process. A guy I met through my first footballer, in my first weeks in Vietnam. A guy I always referred to as 'my fantasy' only because he was so ridiculously good looking, with a smile to die for and possible the nicest guy you could ever meet. He also just happened to be one of the best footballers in Vietnam, everyone seemed to know and adore him... and he spoke French as he was from Congo. PHWA
Tshamala. Yep, he even had a name that sounded like a sweet dessert. My fantasy boy. When I first ran into him again via my work I was surprised at how he still managed to render me speechless. Not an easy feat and I found myself unable to speak and just staring at him. I invited him (and other footballers) to come and see the World Cup trophy and K'Naan sing 'Wavin the flag'. At the time I was thinking more about the PR we could get from having top footballers at our event, but secretly I also just wanted to see him. It didn't take long before I could see the feeling was mutual and then I was really in a pickle. Could I really handle a 4th footballer? What about my work association with his club? Not to mention if my ex-fiance found out I was in love with yet another one of his friends... but... it was Tshaaaaamala.
I decided if I was going to be stupid enough to do this, I might as well dive in the deep end. So I found myself not only going to football games again, but supporting Manchester United to please him, and although everyone who knew me thought I was crazy, I only knew I was crazy in love.
He seemed to be suffering the same symptoms. For the first time in a long time, I could see that this guy was truly in love with me. Throw away the 'he's just not that into you' books, this guy was not only my ultimate fantasy, he was clearly, very very into me. It was all too good to be true... and it unfortunatey was. O sure, we may have been madly in love, and if this was a movie we would have eloped to Vegas and got married by elvis. But that was never going to happen. It wasn't going to happen because... he was already married. An issue that, once out in the open, resulted in me constantly fighting with my Catholic beliefs and at the same time trying to be realistic about the situation. I mean, this happens all the time right? And he'd lived in Vietnam for 5 years, only going home once a year for a few weeks. My heart and my head were at war... and so far neither have won and peace is yet to be declared.
So this is how I found myself in the role of a WAG once again, but this time at the top level, and as an illegitimate version. I met the other wives and girlfriends. Mostly beautiful foreigners. They had serious relationships with their professional football men. They had children or had travelled across the world to be with them. I was neither... and I was the girlfriend... but not the wife. I attended the games, I sat with the other girls, I liked them, I hoped they liked me... but we all knew the situation for what it was. I no longer attended church and started to question my own moral beliefs and values
Life went on, I didn't think too hard about it. The football campaign was going well, we had a brand new office at work and we celebrated with a big party. Tsha was invited and loved by all as he always is. He fitted in well, he made me proud and I let myself forget about the issue of his wife as we just had such a great time and fell more in love and I could see him starting to talk more and more about our future together.
Of course, there were still days where she would ring, and as I quietly left the room so he could talk to her and his kids (o yeah.. 3 of them)... I would again wonder what the hell I was doing and finally I dgave him the ultimatum. Agree to divorce or set me free. Of course I didn't expect it to happen any time soon.. I just needed to know it would.. one day.
In April, I went home to Australia. My father was very sick and my brother had a new 6 week old daughter I had never met. I spent 2 and a half weeks driving my mother to hospital in a city one hour from our town, cooking dinner and just trying to give whatever family support I could. My Dad recovered pleasingly fast, my brother brought his beautiful and cheeky kids for the weekend and I remember just how much I love my family and how different life can be.
You see, other than myself, my immediate family don't really have 'drama'. They are all married, stable and have been with the same partner most of their life. Everything happened in the right order, no one had illegitimate children or sordid affairs. I'm the 'entertainment' as my Mum so unkindly put it one day. I am the one living in Vietnam, working in Advertising... and dating a married footballer.
I had told Tshamala he must make his decision by the time I returned from Australia as I knew I would feel stronger after being home and more able to handle it if the news was bad.
I returned from Australia, happy to see my man, happy to throw myself back into work/football but missing my family and my animals. Tshamala asked for more time to make his decision but then caught me by surprise one day by tell me he had decided to stay with me, but just was not yet sure how to leave his wife as he had not seen her in two years, and there were children involved... and it was Africa.
He also got me a cat. A kitten we called Frank as he played a friendly match against a team from Frankfurt the night before we picked him up. A cheeky, vocal, little devil of a thing.
At first they were both terrified of each other. Should they happen to fall asleep near each other, as this photos shows, when they work up they both leaped 10 feet in the air. Within weeks however they were best buddies and bonded over their mutual love of kicking small balls all around the house. Just what I needed in my life, a footballer cat.
Before I knew it, World Cup had arrived. I was fortunate enough to be sent to experience it for myself in South Africa as part of my work. The handsome South African brand ambassador required my 'supervision' as did the the TV crew we hauled with us. I'm going to be honest and say it wasn't an experience I would ever want to repeat in my life, but there were some highlights.
I got to go to cheer on two games and hear the deep hum of Vuvuzela's for myself. I also got to see the shy South African footballer who I had practically begged to be part of our campaign, become a professional media darling. He made me so proud and I will be enternally grateful. Thank you Philani. You are amazing.
I got to meet and interview Bebeto. That was pretty cool. ESPN, CNN and me on behalf of Vietnam. I also got a special little Autograph for Tshamala. He loved it.
I also got to meet Tsha's twin brother. Aghhh yes. You see, just when you think this can't possibly get more complicated, it does. You see, Tshamala use to play in South Africa. In fact, he played in the same team as Philani. So his 'home' in Africa is not Congo, but Johannesburg.
It is in Jo'burg that his wife and family live, and also his twin brother who is lumped with the responsibility of taking care of them whilst his brother lives an entirely different life in South East Asia... with me and Frank the cat. And as much as I loved my mr Wonderful, I loved his twin like he was my own brother. I just wanted to pack him in my suitcase and bring him back to Vietnam and dreamed that we would all live happily ever after.
But my life is no fairytale.
Back in Vietnam, I returned from South Africa what I can only describe as traumatised. The trip has been exhausting, disorganised, stressful and FUCKING COLD.
I moved to Vietnam because I hate the cold weather, so on top of everything, climbing into bed every night in jeans, tights, 3 jumpers and gloves only made me more distraught. It's been two months since I returned and I still don't think I have fully recovered.
I was however... very happy to come back to my man. Unfortunately, he was now hesitating about what the future held as he suspected his wife had found out I had been hanging out with his twin during World Cup. His deep fear of losing his children started to become a reality and he became torn.
Life continued. Home games. Away games. Watching games on TV with the other girlfriends. My life seemed to only move from one Sunday to the next as it was only when I saw Tshamala that I didn't feel like an insane women stuck on a rollercoaster I was no longer enjoying. Emotions ran high, drama ensured, it was no longer the 'fantasy' but a reality I could hardly bare to live through. Most days I wanted to run and hide, and at least once a week I ended it with him and convinced myself I could walk away. Within 24 hours we were always back again. I had been through enough shit relationships to know the difference between infatuation and love... and for the first time, I believed someone loved me as much as I loved them - if not more.
I would see a picture of him, like the one above, and my heart would ache. So graceful, so powerful and yet so kind and sweet. Unfortunately this picture was attached to an article where he was quoted as saying he loved his family more than anything and it was this loyalty that kept him from 'promiscuity' in his life. I felt like I had been stabbed in my heart. I get the 'media relations' thing, I know it was his club that set it up.. I mean I work in Advertising after all. It's why I've been so hesitant to update this blog. It's why I've waited. But now the season is over.
This blog is meant to be my story. My story of my life in Vietnam. Although it was common knowledge we were together and we never tried to hide it... putting it out there in a public blog is a different matter... and then there was of course the issue of his wife.
So why now? Why on the last day of the Season have I gone 'public' and decided to do the whole story? Well... to be honest, now I am at a point where it can't possibly get worse. The club no about me, after all, I attended every home game for the entire season. He would walk off the field and embrace and kiss me. We would leave together. Yes tonight, I am not at the end of season official party with all the other WAG's because, well, because I am not official. They know he is married. It wouldn't be 'right'.
The press know about me, I was with half of them in South Africa, and as I said... we never tried to hide our love.
On top of that - she knows.
Yup. We still don't know how, but she not only knows about me, she calls me.
Naturally the conversations are one way and usually involve her hurling insults at me and attacking me on everything she can think of, from my skin colour to my age to my looks. His family seem to be under the impression I am some kind of football harlet who targeted him and is set on destroying his family, in reality I had agreed months ago that he may have at least another year to decide what to do to ensure he was making the right decision for his family (and for me).
It's been a tough season, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost the one thing that always kept me grounded (church) and I am still not even sure when this ride will stop. For now, he is in damage control with his family, but still unable to walk away from what we have. I'm just a lost soul who hangs on to whatever threads of belief I still have that we can make this all worth it. Every day I still have with him is treasured.
Vietnam has lost all it's appeal and where the craziness and wild pace once excited and inspired me, it now just irritates and frustrates me. I just want to get off the ride now, I just want to feel like myself again but I'm not sure I even not who that is anymore. I know need to go find out again, with or without my true love.
But most of all... I just need to THANK GOD the bloody football season is over.
Here is little something that I'll always remember this 'season' for...
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