HOW TO SURVIVE VIETNAM AS AN EXPAT

MY RULES OF SURVIVAL FOR VIETNAM

RULE 1 – “THE KHONG SAO RULE”

Let go of your expectations, your high standards, your frustrations. Before you get off the plane – release your imaginary pressure valve and let the air out a bit. Nothing goes according to plan in Vietnam – that’s half the fun. But it will all be ok in the end…. It always is. That’s why if you fall off your motobike and crack your head open or get robbed blind the Vietnamese will just smile and say “Khong Sao Maa-daaame”… or “no problem… it’ll be ok

RULE 2 – “THE 70% RULE”
Nothing is ever done 100% in Vietnam. It’s done 70%. It’s not a complete “FAIL” as per www.ladsf.com - it’s a pass, but only just. For example, if you look around any building you will see that the paint on the walls is probably one coat, maybe not one colour and most likely the light switch was just painted over (and therefore unable to be switched on OR off. But hey – they were asked to paint the wall… so they did. Similar to rule 1, it’s best to not expect perfection because it simply won’t happen. Instead, try to enjoy the many entertaining proof points of the 70% rule. For some examples check out (Vietnam facebook group)


RULE 3 – “THE KANSAS RULE”
Remember the famous line from Wizard of Oz? “Toto. We aren’t in Kansas anymore”…. Well Saigon ain’t Kansas. Vietnam is Vietnam. So many foreigners seem to come to Vietnam and then get upset that it is “not like home”. No shit. It’s VIETNAM! So if you are not going to embrace it, the good and the bad – go home to Kansas. Seriously, don’t come to Vietnam only cry and whinge about the pollution and noise and corruption. Except that this is all part of Vietnam and try to find the positive points. No one is forcing you to be there (unless you are in prison) so don’t torture yourself.

RULE 4 – “THE H8/<3 VIETNAM RATIO”
For those older than 13, this may need some explanation. In text/chat speak… H8 = Hate. It is the opposite of <3 which is Love. You will have day where you are going to HATE everything about Vietnam – the stinking smells, the urine puddles on the streets, the corruption - everywhere, the inability to do a simple task correctly and of course the language – which when you are having a bad day can sound like an alley of cats all having their tails pulled simultaneously. On a bad “I H8 VN” day, you will want to get on a plane and leave. There is no cure except to lock yourself inside your apartment and watch Starworld or Australia Network and simply pretend you aren’t there. I also found streaming my favourite Sydney radio station whilst in a hot bath helped too. Of course, you could always take the favoured cure by some expats – that is with some little friends call xanax or valium, bother of which are readily available over the counter of certain pharmacies and so cheap it’s hard to resist. In other words – Just hide in anyway you can.

But remember – there are “I heart Vietnam” days too. The key to this rule is getting the ratio right. On “I <3 VN” days you feel like the luckiest person on earth. The sun is most likely shining, the streets freshly washed after a tropical rain dump, you may be cruising the streets on you bike, feeling free and energised, the smell of pork on an open grill will tease you as you ride past, you are surrounded by beautiful, curious people, smiling warmly at you with fascination. You pull up to a cart on the road and by a fresh coconut juice for 20 cents and ride home to your luxury apartment (perfectly cleaned by your maid) and you think to yourself…. This is THE LIFE!

If you start to have my hate than love days – there is a problem. If you never have hate days – there is also a problem… in fact… you probably aren’t in Vietnam and have taken way to many of those ever so available over the counter Xanax. Try to find a good balance. Vent your frustrations and have a whinge now and then – but try to also celebrate the great things. Don’t surround yourself with people just complain the whole time about Vietnam. It will only make you feel depressed.

Aim for 30/30/30 - Allow yourself to be totally pissed of and over it 1/3 of the time you are in Vietnam and remind yourself to stop and appreciate all those days that are just so AMAZING. Then there is the rest. Days where you just feel like Vietnam is like every other place on earth. And remember – tomorrow is another day.


RULE 5 – THE ‘TIENG VIET’ RULE
This one is simple. Learn Vietnamese. Don’t listen to the bullshit that it’s “too hard” because it’s so tonal. As far as languages go – I am a complete dunce. I have never excelled at it. Even so, I bought the ‘Learn Vietnamese’ books and CD’s. I constantly annoyed my staff asking them how I say this or how I say that. But the best thing I did was invest in a private tutor. They are easy to find in any of the expat mags or English papers or if you prefer a group learning approach there a plenty of classes available. You are in Vietnam…. Make the effort to learn Vietnamese. It’s fun and the smile and giggle on the faces of your taxi driver when you are able to answer his questions will be the best reward. Of course – being able to actually direct him to where you want to go is pretty helpful too.

RULE 6 – THE ‘CHOCOLATE BOX’ RULE
Forrest Gump may have been inspired by his time in Vietnam when he so beautifully coined the expression “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”.

The thing about chocolates, is even when there is a guide on the back…. You still need to bite into the chocolate to see what’s inside. Sometimes you bite it and are sent to heaven… other times it is so disgusting you spit it straight out. But you keep trying them.

Do the same in Vietnam. TRY THINGS. Don’t discount it based on the wrapper. Don’t hang out only in the expat bars or tourist bars because you feel more comfortable there. Don’t only hang out with people from the same industry or country as you. Mix it up. Find variety.. in face SEEK variety. It’s so easy to settle into one group, but it takes effort to keep 3 or 4 totally separate groups of friends. Some might be NGO types, or older expats. Other’s might be from a country or culture far different to your’s… maybe even locals… or god forbid… footballers. My greatest experiences in Vietnam came from the wide group of people I was lucky enough to call my friends. Not just advertising and production people – but local owners of bars in Pham Ngu Lao, and African Footballers (and scam artists too). People from all over the world who taught me so much about myself and saw Vietnam completely differently to me. Which of course – made me appreciate it so much more.

Try new foods, new hobbies, new languages. Not JUST Vietnamese – but the whole melting pot that is available. Embrace all the opportunities you have to grow your comfort zone – because for every step you take outside of it.. you expand it that little bit more. I believe, in the game of life – that is how you score points. He who experiences it and grows also wins.

RULE 7 – THE “MENTION THE WARS” RULE
Take note – this is in complete opposition to the traditional rule. The first thing you should learn about Vietnam is the America War was just one of many. In fact, it wasn’t even the biggest. It is just the one that made their country famous…. To the rest of the world that is.

Vietnamese don’t give a shit about the American War. In fact, over 70% of the population weren’t even blood born. The war was 40 years ago. They won. That’s the end of that story. Sure they milk it for the tourists but it really has little effect on daily life in Vietnam.

Wars or battles on the other hand make up an important part of Vietnam’s rich history. From the amazing stories of the empires to the French, Japanese and the Yanks. Vietnamese have battled for independence and freedom for centuries. Now they have it and they are proud of that. But the American War was only one chapter. So if you are going to live or even visit Vietnam – READ THE WHOLE BOOK. Learn who Nguyen Du, Tran Hung Dao and Le Loi are (not just streets). Research the various dynasties. Study what really happened at Dien Bien Phu. Don’t just watch ‘platoon’ and then tip toe around it.

One great book is “Saigon” by Michael XXXX . It is factually correct, yet a fictious novel that will paint a good picture of the last century in Vietnam. Starting with the colonial days and finishing on the day we all know about….The so called “Fall” of Saigon. Ignorance is ugly.



RULE 8 – THE “FIRST IMPRESSIONS” RULE
Remember your first impression of Vietnam? How exciting everything was that first day? How the pungent smells and sound of the horns all made it that much more thrilling. How every site of a street cleaner with a conical hat made your heart skip a bit and make you want to take a photo. Remember how the site of Cyclo or sound of a sampan made you suddenly stop and you would just think to yourself (or maybe even say allowed)… “Wow. I live in VIETNAM! What am I doing? It’s so crazy”.

Never lose that.

Remind yourself just how crazy it is. How different it is and rich in culture and history. Living in Vietnam is MENTAL! But isn’t that the whole point? If you don’t want crazy, exotic, backwards, corrupt, spicy, pungent, bizarre – then don’t come to Vietnam. Go to Singapore or Sydney. There is nothing easy or ‘stable’ about a day in Vietnam. Every day is an adventure and a wild ride. Not always good, but always exciting. What a lucky person you are to be living in a place that makes you feel alive and challenged. If you are appreciating it. Go home.


I hope that helps and for at least someone out there makes their stay in Vietnam a little bit easier.

Farewell!